Theme #3: The pressure to hold it all together

One of the quietest — and heaviest — pressures many leaders carry is the belief that they need to be the calm, capable one at all times.

The person who stays steady.
Who absorbs pressure.
Who reassures everyone else.
Who keeps things moving.

Even when internally, they feel exhausted, uncertain, overwhelmed — or close to their limit.

And while leadership often does require steadiness, it can become unhealthy and unsustainable when leaders feel they have to carry everything alone.

I was recently facilitating an onsite leadership development programme, and as we gathered for dinner afterwards, I noticed one of the leaders juggling her coat, phone and drink as we were about to sit down.

I offered to help her with her coat because she quite literally didn’t have enough hands.

She laughed and said that on this occasion she would allow me to help — but that she doesn’t usually accept help from others because she’s so independent and tends to do everything herself.

And it really stayed with me afterwards.

Because I found myself wondering what it must feel like to move through life with that as your default:

“I’ll do it myself.”
“I can’t rely on help.”
“I need to stay on top of everything.”

I think many leaders carry some version of this — often without even realising it.

From the outside, it can look like capability and resilience.

But underneath, it can become exhausting.

What I often notice in coaching conversations is that highly capable leaders become very good at appearing fine.

They keep delivering.
Keep responding.
Keep performing.

But internally, they may feel disconnected from themselves, emotionally flat, or permanently “on alert.”

And to some extent, leadership — especially in high-pressure situations — does require a calm, clear head and a steady response.

The challenge is balancing that with authenticity.

Because emotional regulation is not the same as emotional suppression.

I think this is where mind management becomes so important.

Being mindful.
Being present enough to notice our thinking.
Recognising when we are becoming overwhelmed or reactive.
And being able to regulate ourselves intentionally rather than simply shutting emotions down or pretending we’re unaffected.

And using this awareness to know when we need support.

Because self-regulation becomes much harder when leaders feel they have nowhere safe to process what they’re carrying.

Leaders absolutely need spaces where they can express frustration, fear, doubt, or exhaustion honestly — without feeling they need to protect everyone else in the room.

But that space is usually not their team.

Which is why trusted peers, coaching, mentoring, therapy, friendships, and psychologically safe support networks matter so much.

In many ways, this connects back to the theme I wrote about earlier this year around authentic leadership.

Because authenticity isn’t about oversharing or removing professional boundaries.

It’s about leading in a way that is congruent with who we are — rather than feeling we need to constantly perform invulnerability, certainty, or control.

The more we can lead in alignment with who we really are, the more sustainable leadership becomes.

As economist Andrew J. Scott said:

“As machines get better at being machines, humans have to get better at being more human.”¹

Perhaps part of modern leadership is recognising that strength and humanity are not mutually exclusive.

¹ Andrew J. Scott quoted in McKinsey & Company, Quote of the Day, July 27, 2023.