Theme #4: Boundaries — and why they’re harder than they sound

“I know I need better boundaries.”

It’s something I hear surprisingly often in coaching.

Usually from highly capable, conscientious leaders who already know what they should be doing.

They know they shouldn't answer emails late into the evening.

They know they don't need to say yes to everything.

They know their diary is too full.

They know they need to protect time to think, recover, exercise, see their family — or simply stop working.

And yet, they find themselves doing it anyway.

Earlier this year, I wrote about the pressure many leaders feel to hold everything together. To be the calm, capable person who keeps delivering, even when internally they may be struggling.

I think boundaries are closely connected to this.

Because if being dependable, helpful and capable has become part of how we see ourselves, saying no can feel much more complicated than simply managing our time better.

Photo by Kelly Brito via Pexels

Why “just say no” isn't always helpful

There is plenty of advice telling us to get better at saying no.

Sometimes that is exactly what we need to do.

But saying no is considerably easier when you feel secure, powerful and confident that there will be no negative consequences.

What if the person asking is your boss?

What if everyone around you regularly works late?

What if you've recently been promoted and feel you need to prove yourself?

What if your organisation is going through significant change and everyone is stretched?

Suddenly, “just say no” doesn't feel quite so simple.

Culture matters.

Power matters.

Workload matters.

And organisations have a responsibility to create environments in which people can work and perform sustainably.

Recent research into work-life boundaries amongst consultants in UK-based global consulting firms reinforces this. Researchers found that attitudes towards boundaries shifted over the course of people's careers — from sometimes idealising blurred boundaries towards seeking more sustainable ways of working and questioning cultures of overwork.

Importantly, the research suggests that how we manage boundaries isn't simply an individual preference. It is also shaped by the professional cultures and expectations around us.

But there is another part of this that I find myself exploring with clients too.

The boundaries we set with ourselves

Sometimes the expectations placed upon us are very real.

And sometimes, at least part of the pressure comes from within.

I recognise this in myself.

There have certainly been times in my own career when nobody explicitly told me I needed to work as hard as I did. My own expectations, my desire to do things well, and probably my identity as someone who was capable and dependable, played their part too.

That distinction matters.

Because if we assume every problem is ours to solve, we risk accepting working environments that are genuinely unsustainable.

But if we assume all the pressure comes from outside us, we can miss the places where we do have agency.

This is where coaching can create useful space to untangle the two.

What is genuinely being expected of me?

What am I assuming is expected of me?

And what am I expecting of myself?

Those questions can produce surprisingly different answers.

Boundaries as a leadership practice

Perhaps boundaries aren't simply about becoming better at saying no.

They might also be about becoming more intentional about where we put our time, energy and attention.

A boundary could be asking:

“What would you like me to deprioritise to make room for this?”

It might mean resisting the urge to respond immediately.

Protecting thinking time rather than allowing every available space in the diary to disappear.

Having an honest conversation about workload rather than quietly absorbing more of it.

Or noticing that sometimes the person repeatedly crossing our boundaries is... us.

None of this removes the reality of organisational life. There will always be constraints on how much choice we have.

But perhaps the more interesting question is not simply:

“How can I get better at saying no?”

But:

“Where do I have more choice than I think — and what makes it difficult for me to use it?”

Because boundaries aren't only about protecting ourselves from work.

They can also help us become more deliberate about how we want to work — and how we want to lead.

Research: Čingienė, J., Doldor, E. & Briner, R. (2026). Shifting approaches to blurred work-nonwork boundaries in consulting careers. Journal of Vocational Behavior, 168, 104249.